Starting Over. And over. And over…

In the immortal words of Prince, “We are gathered together to get through this thing called life”.

Some days, all I want to do is not live.

Some days, I love life.. Funny how I am suddenly remembering so many song lyrics- “Some will fall in love with life and drink it like a fountain”…

This is a chronicle of my daily struggles…struggling to thrive, struggling to love myself, struggling to function in a world that often feels hostile, sad, and lonely.

And tonight, struggling to learn something new. So, I am quite aware that this is an amateur attempt at creating my online presence. But, I’m not giving up. Come walk with me, friend. And together we will hold hands and just keep trying. One step, one victory. Each day.

Trying something new

This morning, I got out of bed as soon as my fiancé delivered my wake up call- as asked him to hold on as I labored out of bed, stumbled down the stairs, and started the kettle.

I wanted to get out of the cocoon of blankets, get vertical, infuse the first day’s caffeine.

I’m still depressed, still hurting, still dulled by years of sleep troubles.

But God, I’m trying.

Daily I wish for a peaceful and speedy death.

Joyless day after joyless day continues to count up.

Listening to TED talks with titles such as “How to be Happy”, devising lists of things to do to reset my mind- “smile first thing in the morning”

Uugh

I know I’m not the only one like this and I hate being like this

I hope your day is better friend

Struggles

Although I should celebrate the giant leap I’ve taken to learn a new skill, it’s not all excitement and joy of exploration.

It’s hard work and requires dedication, from both of which I easily become distracted.

I’m struggling.

I’m overwhelmed.

I’m scared.

Depression

is like an old friend.

So familiar, I could just cozy up close and let that dense feeling of self-depreciating pity sink in deep.

I contemplate; stick in my toe and swirl around in the thick, silky darkness.

It’s self indulgent- the closest I’ve been to succumbing to a drug. But I know I can’t stay here. I had my years blanketed from reality. And I cannot take back the hurt I caused others as I insulated myself from my pain.

So I tend to recover quickly now. Hours or days instead of weeks and years.

But like an addiction, Depression is always waiting for me, ready to envelope my hurt, my brain, and my soul should I decided to give up.

Most days…

I struggle to accomplish anything.

No victories for me.  I work, I clean up, I plan and ponder and think and plan so more… but rarely do.

Most days I feel ineffectual and incompetent.  Lazy and tired and exhausted.

 

 

I’ve long imagined myself bobbing in the ocean, with just my nose above the water.

 

 

Funny how other see me as somewhat successful, or at least functional.

I see a life full of intentions

but without any completions

and sometimes not even effort

good intentions

many failures

 

im just tired

Lies…and damn lies

Funny, the severity of the cut depends on which side of the knife you are on.

Lying to preserve my autonomy, my sense of self, and my freedom feels benign.

Being lied to feels like a deep wound that gapes open, threatening to drop my guts to the ground.

 

honesty is one of the hardest things I’m trying to teach myself

Nature Speaks

Ask the universe for what you desire, and listen.

Your perceptions are sharper and more profound than you know. The wind, the trees, even a hummingbird may be the messenger coming to you with the answer you seek.

Believe, then practice being open and listen to your energy coming back to you like echolocation.

You can then choose to act or not, but never deny that you now know.